Optimus Prime reads Bedtime Story for the Calm app

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A bent Optimus Prime frantically tries to operate the controls of his spaceship.

Screenshot: Hasbro

You can now have Optimus Prime read you a bedtime story. This is not a sentence I expected to write today, and yet it is now an inescapable fact that one can go to bed listening to the soft tones of the leader of the Autobots… as he describes it the horrible wars that enveloped his native planet Cybertron before coming to Earth. Sweet dreams!

To clarify, you will need to have access to the immensely popular meditation/relaxation/sleep aid app Calm to hear Optimus tell a “Sleep Story,” which the company describes as “soothing tales that blend music, sound effects, and incredible vocal talent to help you drift off to dreamland.” The story is titled “History of the Transformers”, which doesn’t seem like an easy story to spin off given that the vast majority of it has to do with the endless wars between the Autobots and Decepticons.

That said, Optimus, according to classic cartoons and modern live-action movies, is played by Peter Cullen, whose deep, low, soothing voice seems absolutely tailor-made to lull just about anyone, no matter what. no matter what he read. You can get a 30 second preview too brief from sleep history to Calm, and listen for yourself.

The press release adds: “This never heard before Transformers The story tells the story of the Autobots and Decepticons, taking listeners deeper into the iconic franchise’s More-Than-Meets-the-Eye themes, exploring bravery, leadership, friendship, and STEM. I’m very curious how much emphasis will be given to science, technology, engineering and math in the recording, given that 1) virtually all STEM in Transformers is compound, and 2) I don’t know much you’re going to learn about these sciences while you’re literally falling asleep. There’s no way in hell that any fact I’ve heard will stick in my mind at dawn, no matter what robot told me.

“History of the Transformers” is now available in the Calm app in the “Kids” and “Sleep” sections. If we’re lucky, the next release will be terrorist leader Cobra Commander reading a bedtime story about the time he created a all game show just to make GI Joe feel stupid.

[Correction: The article has been updated to confirm there is no specific Calm Kids app, just Calm.]


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